Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Eating my thoughts

" Do not judge, lest ye be judged .  For by the measure you use, shall you be measured"...

Another truthful Jolene moment.

In the past, I have heard other Moms talk things like "man, I could just strangle my kid today" or "I sure couldn't be with my kids all day, I'd go insane!"  you get the drift.  I always thought they were somewhat kidding...they couldn't be serious or mostly serious.  Kids couldn't actually be that frustrating that we'd want to run away could they?  I honestly couldn't identify.  I had my moments of being super over tired in those first few years, or down because of flus, etc, but never for more than a few days max at a time.  I could always see the sliver lining.

I have three beautiful daughters, now ages 12, 8 and 6.  I have always been an "at home" Mom, no matter if I worked a little on the side, the girls came with me or Daddy had them.  I even homeschooled the oldest for a few years when we lived in another province, in a small town.  I babysat, I volunteered, I had neighbour kids drop by lots.  I loved it.  I loved doing crafts and baking with the girls and I loved being around them.  They could be frustrating at moments when regular things would they would throw up all over you or your company...but that was part of the job description and just fine.  I could laugh about it and keep going.  Or sleep on it and feel better in the morning.

Now sleep doesn't solve it all.  I finally understand what some other Mom's meant when they said "I could never homeschool, I'd go insane being with my kids 24/7!"  I get it.  I understand.  I have felt the funk.  I have felt like a rotten mother who can't get it all done happily and cheerfully, full of the joy of the Lord.
Knowing something in your HEAD "children are a blessing and an inheritance from the Lord" doesn't always make your HEART feel it at every moment.  Just usually those moments come and go fairly quickly, we can recognize it as a 'bad day' and go on.  Feels like I have been having more of those bad days and trying to relate to my tween and growing children.  Different ages have different needs.  When they are babies and toddlers, you love them and keep them alive.  When they grow up more, you are training and developing their's hard work, don't let anyone fool you.

The past 1 1/2 years has been very much a growing time for me.  I have left everyone and everything I had come to love and know.  My hubby is now away from us more than he is with us.  It is temporary, I remind myself, but being alone 24/7 with all the children weighs heavy on my heart.  I'm homeschooling them all and living away from anyone my age. It is difficult and I won't lie.  Some days are good and I'm on top of things, focused and feel good at the end of day.  Other days I feel like "man, why can't they just help me out without me having to constantly remind them?  I feel like I nag all day...are they ever going to grow up into responsible women?"  I know what an awesome challenge I am faced with to grown these girls up into women and I am horribly ill equipped.  Yes, I know this is where God's grace and mercy comes in.  Just don't tell me "you shouldn't feel this way, your children are a blessing and your greatest purpose right now"...I KNOW THAT...I just want to run away today!  hey hey!  Us Mom's need to encourage each other.  If you can relate, then sympathize, if you can't relater, pray and encourage!

Lord give me patience, wisdom and understanding and forgive me for not understanding other's frustrations.  Help me to be encouraged and to be an encouragement to others when they are having "those" kind of days.

Now to go make cinnamon buns...


Iris said...

Jo, I LOVE this post. Such raw honesty. I think I also love it because it makes me feel normal. I've had the 'let me run away' feelings lately too. Especially after being home for Christmas and coming back to the lonely northern life. Hang in there...this too shall pass (easier said than done). ((((hugs))))

CAT said...

I can identify, though we are at a different stage and with the other gender. I can't imagine having my hubby away so much. There is a heavy burden of responsibility on a parent and when there is only one parent there it is that much heavier because it is not shared. I pray that God will be your strength and your comfort and that He would make your burden light, just as His burden is light. You are an awesome mommy, and an inspiration to me. You are also such an encourager. I think of you often, so many miles away. Hugs to you! Oh, and I hope you enjoyed those cinnamon buns! I can almost smell them now!