Perhaps by now I remember our "Joy" without all the pain attached. Joy was to be our little one born in July 2000. Our arms never had the chance to hold her, but our hearts always will.
When Kate was born in 1997, after some time we longed for a sibling for her. There was a lot of fun anticipation and finally the good news came...a July 2000 due date! YEAH! Unfortunately the morning sickness wasn't the same awfulness, but I thought I had struck gold. At Christmas we told our friends as we were right around the 12 week mark and I was showing and "safe". Shortly after there were signs that I wasn't. Many trips to the Dr. confirmed our baby wasn't growing. We begged and pleaded for God to "let our fruit remain" but finally realized we needed to trust our baby to God. I remember doing so much research as if I could somehow stop it. How silly I had felt to have just told everyone "YES" and now would have to face all the "NO" and ackwardness. I did enough research that I convinced my Dr. to let me "wait it out for 10 days" at home. I would need to call her immediately when the miscarriage would happen so she could see if it was indeed complete. She didn't want to risk me hemorrhaging or having a later infection.
God was gracious. I remember Jan. 8th so well, although the initial pain is gone now. I was reading to Kate on the couch when the pain intensified enough for me to take some Tylenol. I phoned my hubby at work and his parents asking them if they could come and get Kate. By the time they arrived, "the process" (as some called it) was complete. My Dr. was wonderful, helping me go through all the procedures. I think I was on auto-pilot right then, but we got through. For the next while I felt like I was constantly suffocating. I couldn't get air. I was no longer the way I was before. I had experienced lots of pain and loss in my short lifetime, but somehow this was different. It was all consuming. I was a zombie. I couldn't forgive myself and I couldn't then forgive a friend who happened to deliver her own healthy baby on my July due date. Pain does weird things.
Looking back, while I never ever want to experience that again, I know I relive it every time I hear of another Mother with empty arms. I say a very heart felt prayer for them that they will KNOW how God grieves with them but gently gathers their child in His arms. Having another child does not cure this pain, but I think it does help! Our dear sweet Ruth was born in March 2003 and how we cried such tears of release when we held her! A dear companion and friend for our Kate. God is good...all the time...and I need to trust Him in that.
As I am remembering this personal journey, I am remembering and thankful for those who put up with this zombie girl during that painful time. May we all be a little more understanding of eachother's pain and be ready to let some people in on it. There is no use trying to hide it. We have a child waiting for us in Heaven. The hole she left us on earth will someday be filled. Hallelujah !
3 comments:
Oh how beautifully written and heartbreaking at the same time. Tears running down my cheeks over here. I feel for you and with you as we also have a little one waiting for us in heaven..."her" due date was also in July (2009 though). Thanks for sharing your heart and taking the time to 'remember'. It is such an important part of healing, I believe.
This is so lovely. Heart-wrenching but lovely.
I've found gratitude for our own loss. Found the sweet mixed with the bitter. Sorrow can foster empathy in our hearts, and what was taken from us helps us give more fully to others.
Thank you for that sweet reminder.
Oh Jo - I cry tears for you. Just imagining losing our little one before having met her hurts. It just barely helps knowing you will meet her with our Father. Hugs. Miss you guys and THANK YOU for the best gifts! I love them all!
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