Friday, August 18, 2006

Is the pain in the remembering, the forgetting, or the never known?

Today I am pondering this my pain in remembering my sister, or in forgetting her voice, or in the fact that no one here has known her, and thus cannot forget what they've never known. What is more painful? Although pain cannot be measured on a scale. Such as at the hospital they will ask a patient to rate their pain level as compared to anything else they have experienced...the absolute worst or bearable? How do you rate the pain of a lost friend and sister? I don't think I can rate that...physical pain is a little different, although emotional pain can FEEL like a physical pain. Today I have a hole inside me that feels like it is threatening to eat my whole chest. But today it is finding tears to fill the void. I spilled some corn I had a cry. I broke a jar I had a cry. If anyone knows me, they know this is not exactly me.

I realized, while folding laundry, that I no longer remember Tina's voice.
I remember her smell, because on occassion I smell it on a few people...such as Bonnie, Angie or sometimes a stranger walking by.

I am in search of some video of my least something to show my husband and children so that they may catch even a glimpse of who/what my sister was. I have recently found some letters that she wrote me and in reading them out loud I could sense her being...her personality, her goofiness. It was very refreshing and fun to see Kate laugh at what her Auntie Tina had written.

Just random thoughts today, as I try to pull myself together to handle other obligations.
Oh, and did I say that the casserole isn't cooking fast enough for Gregg to eat before work...maybe I'll go fold the laundry and cry about that... :)

Hug a loved one and feel it. Don't let go.

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